You know that you know that cheesy ass song that goes “what is love?!” in a techno kind of thing. I think there’s a SNL skit making fun of cheeseball club guys that has that on it. Anyhow, I realized tonight that I don’t know what it is exactly. Maybe it’s not so much that, but that I don’t know what it feels like to lose something that you love. The only people I’ve lost are my american “grandma” who was the lady next door who with her husband I called Grandpa and Grandma since I never really saw my real ones but a few times in my life.

When Grandma died, I was pretty young and cried and all that, but I didn’t have enough time to develop a deep relationship since I think I might have been seven or something. Since then, no one I’ve known has died. Of course, it’s not like death is a bad thing, since it’s just moving forward. But with the loss of a loved one (in a non-death sort of way) it’s different.

So tonight this guy was singing and several of his songs were related to his loss of his wife who cheated on him and such, and they became divorced. There’s so much creative energy that’s created out of those situations, that I almost want it to happen to me more for inspiration than for the fact of loving someone, which I know sounds totally wrong.

I don’t really believe in it yet, although I believe it’s something that does exist. But what I do need to figure out is how to pull that kind of emotion that’s deep within me. I know it’s there, but I am very stoic and don’t let my emotions show as often as I should (except I have a tendency to cry when I watch movies no matter how good/bad/cheesy they might be).

Well, I think that might be one thing that’s been bugging me lately, since I’ve seen the many sides of love – the joy, the pain, the inspiration, the conflict, the confusion – much of which I’ve never really experienced to the same level, and I am almost envious. Maybe that’s what it is. I know I want to try it, like a drug, but am not sure how to go about it. It’s not like I can just find some dealer who can deliver that…